Successful age gap relationships – Older/Younger Love from an Emotional Perspective
Being in an Older/Younger relationship can bring with it a wide range of emotional responses for both parties; some positive and some negative. Here’s my story and how we have navigated our way through events, emotions and other perspectives.
I’m a gay man in my 50’s and my partner is in his 30’s; meeting online close to 10 years ago. Initially we conversed online for about a month and when we finally met face-to-face it wasn’t love (or infatuation) at first sight.
Our initial meeting was at a local Thai restaurant with entertainment in the form of a male Filipino lounge singer who performed his covers of Frank Sinatra tunes all night. I scratched my head over that entertainment then and still do all these years later.
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It’s something we both have a chuckle about and I think it’s those little quirky, but fun things that you need to have as a part of your joint journey; things that start to separate a hook up into something more meaningful.
In our first year there was lust, love, lies and many arguments to go with the undeniable good times. Life was certainly colorful and continues to be so; just as most relationships are. There is a saying “life wasn’t meant to be easy” but that doesn’t necessarily mean that life needs to be “hard” either.
— Ricky Mendoza (@reallyrickym) November 21, 2019
We continued to live separately that first year as it was too soon to commit to a full-on relationship and because the younger male was also planning to travel overseas later that year; for an unknown period of time.
However, within a couple of months both of us were using the “L-word” to each other; something that neither of us had ever done in the past. I believe at that time we were using that expression of emotions and feelings to test the water, rather than being ready for what real love needs to represent and experience.
For sure both of us still had a façade in place; possibly because of fear of the unknown future, but also definitely holding on to secrets that we hadn’t shared with each other. There was enough transparency in each of our behaviors that the other could tell there were things being held back.
This resulted in some things finally being shared in heartfelt conversations. It also meant that other things only surfaced as a result of quite heated, and at times physical situations.
There were at least five to six break up’s and make up’s in those first few months with many of the actual events being petty, even if there weren’t viewed that way at the time. Many of those make ups were highly charged sexually, with sex in the middle of the night, sex in public, all day snuggle sessions, and the use of many adult sex toys to add some extra excitement to our lovemaking.
Focus on the time right now, not what has happened before or what will happen in the future – cherish your time together 💌 #relationships #relationship #quote #quoteoftheday #quotestoliveby #quotesdaily #love #gay
— Dan (@blangrea) January 26, 2019
Both of us couldn’t understand why the other person found us attractive; me being the older found it hard to comprehend that someone 20+ years younger would be attracted to someone my age. In turn, the younger male couldn’t understand why I would want him as in his view there were a lot of young guys that would find me sexy.
In many respects we were sabotaging our own relationship through our individual self-esteem issues.
I don’t understand why the human race does that sort of thing. It’s certainly not unique to the gay population; although in many respects the emotions associated seem to be heightened. Perhaps it’s a lack of clear vision or too much time trying to find the perfect partner that we can’t see just what we have in front of us.
At the end of that first year there was a huge argument initiated because I had been struggling with years of denied beliefs about being gay; hiding behind a fake family of children that didn’t exist. That scenarios had been created as a form of corporate survival; that and not having enough time for a “nice girl” due to a full-on career.
From what I now know; whether right or wrong, that behavior is not something unique to me. What is also something that has gained clarity thanks to time, is that it was not one of my finest hours.
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What was also sad was that the younger male had become progressively more physical; to the point of violence and largely fueled by way too much alcohol. This isn’t a blame game though and the rocky road we were navigating at that time also had incredibly great moment too.
Who would turn town a midnight booty call where their other half is pleading with you to have physically rough sex including watching the reaction on his face as he was pounded by me and also by various adult sex toys?
Many people I know would have walked away from the relationship at that point; or even before then. Some of them even went as far to suggest it, to the point that their form of objection to the relationship was so strong that they had in effect become bullying themselves towards me.
20 year age gap relationships for gay men
It is often good to sit back and take some quiet time and think through all the reasons you love someone, why you step outside your comfort zone on so many levels and why you put up with and endure behaviors and emotions that you wouldn’t do so in other parts of your life; at work for example.
It was also interesting to watch those supposed friends disappear out of my world; largely because I didn’t agree or follow their advice. They had their point of view but unless any of us walk in the shoes of someone else we really need to be conscious that an opinion should always stay that way.
For some reason we all can have a tendency to meddle in other’s lives; it appears to be human nature but we still don’t seem to learn from our mistakes of verbalizing those thoughts in too loud or forceful a way.
What was also interesting to us at that time was that in addition to objecting to some friend’s opinions, both myself and the younger male were also seeking opinions separately from other friends or family. It’s funny how the brain operates in these situations; the range of emotions and perspectives that all come into the equation.
— Be Inspired (@lucafex) April 6, 2015
Perhaps we like to solicit opinions that match our own rather than letting go of the emotions and using fact-based problem-solving techniques.
It may sound cheesy but perhaps too we were both looking for that traditional image of “happy ever after” and wanted that romantic side of a relationship to be deep and meaningful. Was it that we both wanted to get off the “gay merry-go-round” of sexual hook-ups but didn’t know how to make it work?
I think it is also honest to say that we both wanted romance and at the same time we didn’t. I often think that those situations are one’s where our worst enemy is actually our own brain rather than each other, a third party or those friends and family who were feeding us on their opinions.
Is there a relationship age gap rule?
I also believe that both of us were making excuses for our own and each other’s behavior possibly as a way of having someone rather than no-one; accepting things in the hope they would get better; trying to remodel each other; or because we were ignoring those voices inside.
Despite what may appear as pretty solid signs to walk away, in line with what was being suggested by friends and family, I took a different path to back myself like I never have in life previously.
It finally got to the end of that first year and sure enough the younger male did head off overseas on his journey. What was originally going to be a 3-year trip ended up being around 7.5 years that being to 4 countries rather than just 2.
There were even a couple of trips back to our own country and even though we had some contact through e-mail and SKYPE we didn’t actually get to see each other in person for 7.5 years. A lot of thinking, soul searching and personal development happened for both parties during that time apart.
It needed to because since he returned from overseas close to a year ago, we have both been on the same page, which has been very rewarding as well as romantic.
Sex between us had always been OK and I guess that was always one of my issues though. Knowing that being the older male would probably mean there was the possibility of sexual dysfunction at a time and age when he would be needing greater sexual fulfillment was there as a “pebble in my shoe”.
We had discussed a few times in that first year and it was something that needed to be discussed and would be discussed again if we were to reignite this relationship between us.
Part of my own self-development while the younger male was away was to study up on sexual satisfaction techniques; books, articles, Blogs, video’s, training courses as well as adult sex toys. I did so much research that I even landed a Blog writing role for one of the country’s leading adult sex toy shops; not something I had ever considered previously and I guess that was partially because the subject matter had always seemed a bit taboo for me.
I did purchase a few items; thanks to the benefit of staff discount (lol) and couldn’t wait to use them with my love whenever he returned home.
One of the turning points for me came about 9 months before the younger male returned from overseas. Out of the blue came a SKYPE call request from him; and I took the call of course.
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He opened up in a way I had never experienced with him before; apologizing for his behavior and saying that he had matured a lot since our early days. They were words I never thought I would hear.
It is interesting in that situation just how quickly and negativity washed away in an instant. Another thing I felt myself doing instantly was meeting him halfway, by also apologizing to him for my behavior. It was pleasing that he was so sincere and combined with all the self-development I had done while he was away meant that we were already in a better place that that first year.
When he finally returned home to our country, I had shifted 1-hour North to another region, but that was OK for him. In a way it meant that we were meeting again on new territory. In many ways that made things easier as we were not seeing places we had been to previously; places where there may have been less happy memories.
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He was very coy on our first reconnection meet; to the point of sitting in his car for 30-mins or so before calling to say he had arrived. I had always known that he had social anxiety issues, often manifesting into full on panic attacks.
If it meant that he could process things that way himself before composing himself enough to say he had arrived then I can handle that,
The human race has a tendency to want to pigeon hole us into types of people; races, religions, genders, sexual orientation, rich, poor, old money, new money, successful, a drop out, etc. None of us have ever walked in someone else’s shoes so we don’t need to discriminate, label, be judgmental about other human beings. People are just people and the world will be a better place if we start becoming better people.
I did finally get that call to say the younger male had arrived. Things went really well but I could sense there was something going on inside his head. I asked him how long he was staying in town; to which he replied “that depends”.
Further discussion confirmed that he had driven over 800km from where his family lived, during a holiday period and without anywhere to stay. Of course; I offered him a room for the night and 8-months later we are still a couple, living together and in a totally different relationship to last time.
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The lease on my apartment is in my name and the furnishings etc. are not totally to either our tastes so are currently looking to find somewhere new to rent that will be “our place”.
Although I am happy living where I am currently, I am equally happy to try living somewhere new. I also think it sends the right message to a partner that it is important enough a factor in the relationship that we have joint milestones.
Since his return I have told friends about him being here; 2 of which had genuinely warm things to say. The most negative contact came from a female friend in a same-sex relationship; and she was probably the most vocal person first time round, constantly urging me to forget him.
She even went as far as trying to arrange a blind date with a guy that for me there would never be any form of spark between us. The irony is that in the past 9 years she has been in 4 different relationships; three of which ended badly, one of which involved her getting beaten up by here partner at the time.
I always have a little smile inside when I think of how I have been there for her during good and bad times with women and a failed business venture; yet she still cannot show any genuine respect and happiness regarding my relationship.
I am actually OK with that response from my female friend. Perhaps this is the beginning of the end of our friendship. If so, I respect that and will keep moving forward with my own personal relationship.
Older man younger man relationship summary
Despite all of the up’s and down’s over the past few years I now know the deep reasons that trigger a negative situation for my man. He has told me things and shared feelings that only he and close family knew previously. They don’t need to be written here. However, way back in our first year I gave him the nickname “Mr Special”. It suited him then and it still does now.
I know that all the people who told me to leave him, to forget about him were right in their own way.
I listened, I discussed and I kept holding on to my beliefs about him. Sometimes our relationships are with the wrong person. However, sometimes too they are just at the wrong moment. In such situations we need to weigh up whether to walk or to wait. I chose the latter. It was right for me then and continues to show my why that is the case.
People are just people. Love is just love.
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