We see the word sex wherever we look in the modern world. The reason for that is because sex sells.
Once upon a time it was considered taboo to discuss sex, so our changing world where we can discuss sex is both a breath of fresh air and an important opportunity to learn. Although adults we may not necessarily know everything that could assist us to have fantastic sex every time.
The purpose of this post is to show you how a greater understanding of your own sexual abilities can make you more aware and responsive to your partner’s wants and needs.
The last thing you want is a manual of techniques, because after all sex is a very simple activity. Instead the information here is about enjoyment, increased pleasure so that you have fantastic sex every time.
We are all different and therefore the sexual needs, wants and desires can vary between people. In particular, your needs may be different to your partner’s and vice versa.
In addition, our sexual needs can change at different times in our lives or we may go through patches of boredom or need for a bit of excitement. Included in this post are ways of giving you that extra kick start for fantastic sex.
Practice is something we advocate here and that has to be a great way of becoming an expert at a particular skill, remembering that improvisation is important for you to find the pleasure you want.
It may also mean that you need to make adjustments to other areas of your life so that this change within in you flows through to fantastic sex every time.
Give Sex Real Importance
We hear a lot about getting that work/life balance right because too much time spent on one or the other affects us.
In addition, not only is the amount of time for other aspects of life affected but so too is the quality decline to various areas of life affected by this imbalance. Sex is an important aspect of life that is affected by this imbalance. In turn, your relationship will suffer if sexual needs are not being met.
Sexual needs are something that can affect any age group and sexuality dynamics of your particular relationship. It is not something that is purely for young and/or straight couples. Sex deserves a place in every relationship.
While we can survive without sex in a platonic way, a physical/romantic/sexual relationship most definitely needs sex to survive. For couples, getting your sex life in synch is needed to keep your relationship healthy.
Good sex can help cement a relationship, but if there is bottle up sexual tension between partners this can cause serious damage, especially if one partners then starts having sex outside of the relationship.
How often is too often for sex?
There is no one answer of formula. This is something that individuals discuss and work out for their needs within the relationship.
However, if you are not having regular sex then the relationship will become unbalanced and that feeling will flow through other areas of your lives. You need to make sure that great sexual activity continues in your relationship.
Our sex life does not always need to be impulsive as this can cause its own issues too. It’s more important that you are actually still having sex in your relationship.
For many people having children in the house can affect when and how long they have sex. Don’t let children be the reason behind why you are not having regular fantastic sex.
However, to get things across the line in your sex life you may have to make some scheduling changes; and that is OK. Don’t think that scheduling is your savior; don’t forget how important your fingers, lips and tongue can be in making that magic happen.
After all, when you love your partner, you don’t want to leave them disappointed.
Woman can take longer than men to get aroused, however it doesn’t matter what sexual orientation your relationship is, there can be a need at times for something to stimulate sex in a way that doesn’t involve pills or poppers.
For example, leave a pair of sexy underwear or your favorite jock strap somewhere prominent so that your partner sees them before heading off to work.
There will be a subconscious arousal through the day at the thought of you in that sexy attire. It also means that when you are finally together again that the arousal process can be quicker, sparked by those subconscious thoughts had since you last saw each other.
You are more than just friends
We all share information and thoughts with best friends, often of an intimate nature however; we are not sexually intimate with them.
Physical and sexual intimacy is something that we reserve for our partner or lover and it is not something that we just take for granted.
Remove that intimacy from a relationship and they just become another friend. To keep that relationship intimate then we need to keep a healthy and fantastic sex life together.
Romance is real
It’s a scientific fact that men don’t always need romance to have great sex; whereas women can be the opposite and look for romance more often, rather than just some quick sex.
From a woman’s perspective that romance plays a big part in them feeling desired and sexually attractive.
We live in a world where same sex relationships are openly discussed and celebrated by a significant percentage of the population.
We need to be mindful that relationships with different or the same sexual orientation will probably need a different set of romance triggers.
Often that may include elements of “matching and mirroring” of touch and other elements of romance and intimacy. One of the main factors to remember with romance is that it needs to be real; it’s not about copying what we read in romance novels or what we see on porn videos.
Whether we can admit it or not, sex for a large percentage of us begins through masturbation where it may just be touch related, but can also progress to orgasm.
While this is a solo activity it will then often progress with many to commencing a sexual relationship with another person.
Masturbation can be a great process for learning; things such as learning how your body functions sexually, exploring how you achieve sexual satisfaction and the things that you need to share with a partner so they understand your sexual wants and needs.
Bear in mind that sexual problems can occur for anyone; stress being one that affects both sexes. However, there can also be sexual problems for each gender such as premature ejaculation and performance anxiety for men and painful sex and inability to orgasm for women.
For same sex partners it is important to remember that the use of sex toys and/or a greater focus on anal sex may be prevalent and therefore you need to address how you deal with that in your relationship.
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Myths about sex
Don’t assume that you have to perform sex in ways depicted in movies or porn videos. There isn’t the need to swing from the chandelier or to scream for more every time you have sex; although you may work out that some element of this adds to your pleasure.
Sometimes women feel that they can’t have an orgasm from just intercourse. Likewise, some men think that penis size is the sole thing governing their ability to pleasure a partner.
Sometimes we let these myths about sex overtake our thoughts when really what we need to do is educate and understand better how our bodies function sexually.
This is a biological process occurring in us all. Men and women both undergo physical changes as they age, some of which affect sexual functioning. The key here is not to let the mind tell you that your sex life is over just because you have aged. The reality is that both genders can adapt to the changes without letting myths affect their thoughts and their sex lives.
Some people find it difficult to discuss a negative aspect of their sex life with their partner. However, we all need to be strong enough to still recognize those issues to ourselves and be discreet with how and what you end up discussing with your partner.
No partner wants to hear a full description of negative love making issues from a previous partner. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if that can put your thoughts to rest.
Perfection doesn’t exist
If we can’t sit down and list a few issues with our sexual ability then we are not being truthful to ourselves because perfection simply doesn’t exist.
Partners should be able to discuss al aspects of their sex life; especially to the level that they understand what gives each other sexual satisfaction. Don’t ever play the blame game; keep communication open and honest without bringing down one another. If satisfaction levels need to change then do so at a step-by-step pace; don’t try and force too many changes at too quick a pace.
Keeping it real
Always put things into perspective; if your sex life is only average you can always make it better; even fantastic. Never put too much pressure on yourself. Incremental changes are still growth but don’t think that you need to get instant results. The key is to try.
Knowing your Partner
Once you have assessed yourself with regard to sexual strengths and development needs it is time to look at your partner. Maybe your partner has been following your lead up to this point; if not then share with them your progress and allow them time to catch up.
Now you can start to develop an understanding of your joint sex needs.
There can be a tendency for hesitation to open up about sex with their partner. However, most people generally have some idea about what they would like to change about their sex life.
One fear can be that they are worried about losing what they already have if they open up and their partner is not open to change. This is an understandable fear however if you never talk about sexual wants and needs you will never experience change in your current situation.
Have courage and work your way through the dialogue that needs to happen for this change to begin.
Don’t think you can change everything in one discussion; far from it. One technique is to discuss just one aspect of your sex life in a discussion and that way turn discussions into a regular event.
Perhaps you could start a list and take turns at working through the items. Great dialogue and discussion can lead to change and in turn that will lead to fantastic sex.
Choosing a topic to start discussing
In theory you can start with any topic, however if a male partner is suffering from premature ejaculation and therefore this causes their partner to not reach an orgasm then this issue has to be addressed first.
On technique can be to explore if the male partner can use is fingers and/or tongue to bring his partner to orgasm. If so, then it gives you something to work from and then see if an orgasm can be reached through intercourse.
It may well be that speaking with a therapist is what is needed but at least you will have more dialogue to share with them now.
Don’t assume your partner understands your desires
Just because your partner loves you don’t assume that they can ready your mind about your wants, needs, desires and likes/dislikes.
You need to draw a line in the sand and from that moment forward open up about your feelings in such a way that retains the dignity of your partner and their feelings. They will never know unless you open up and have greater quality of discussion.
Show and tell time
Work your way through various spots on your body, showing your partner things that turn you on. Get them to follow your lead and to touch you in those spots, before you repeating the process with their body.
One key here is to avoid touching the genitals. Explore also using licks and kisses as a way of enhancing this process even more.
The overall objective is for couples to be making love rather than just having sex. Variety is important in achieving that difference, and trying new positions can be very beneficial as a way of stimulating your heart and your brain.
Once again, don’t think that you have to mimic all the lovemaking scenes in movies or porn videos. The people you are watching on film are paid for their action without necessarily knowing each other, let alone have love for between them.
As a couple making love you are bringing and experiencing and emotional connection that is real. However, you may just need some new positions as a way of enhancing the lovemaking you already experience.
The importance of Intimacy
Sex with someone you barely know is more like masturbation than intimate lovemaking. There needs to be that emotional and mental connection that comes from sharing your love for each other.
That doesn’t mean sex without intimacy cannot be rewarding; it can, but it’s just not complete. Lovemaking is not a race and by slowing down things you can add even more intimacy.
Let your Partner know how to give you the most pleasure. These verbal cues could relate to you telling them to vary the speed or it could be you requesting they use a sex toy on you if that gives you a great sensation.
Don’t hide your bodies in the dark or under layers of clothing or bed linen. Visual cues are an important creator of intimacy. The sight of a partner’s Vagina red and swollen can indicate they are aroused in the same way that plenty of pre-cum oozing from your partner’s engorged penis can do also.
The use of lighting to enhance mood is an important tip. Sexy lingerie for women can enhance and stimulate excitement. Like wise in female/female relationship a strap on dildo or other sex toys can be fun.
Sexy underwear can also be a major turn on in a male/male relationship with things such as a tight-fitting front to enhance the genitals and a cut out back to fill expose their bum cheeks. These things can also be a great confidence booster if trying new things to add excitement.
The Missionary Position
This is one of the most commonly used lovemaking positions, yet it also contributes to some of the dissatisfaction women experience when trying to orgasm.
This is because the angle of the penis going in and out of her vagina does not always come into direct contact with the clitoris and therefore is not as sexually arousing.
A man can wear a sex aid that acts as a removable penis extension that may work for some couples. Men with premature ejaculation have also been known to have less control over their orgasms when using this position.
Benefits of trying other positions
One great benefit of using positions different to the Missionary position is that it frees up hands that can then be used to touch and stimulate your partner’s body; such as the Clitoris, Penis shaft, Anus, Breasts and Nipples.
While many men prefer to take the lead and to be on top, they can find it a loss of control if their partner has now assumed this role. Experimentation is still an exciting way to add extra dimension to your love making.
Where a woman is used to being able to orgasm from self-stimulating her Clitoris (either digitally or with a sex toy) she may also have greater results in experiencing more orgasms from positions other than the Missionary position.
The same can be true for gay men where they are used to regular oral or anal play that result in an orgasm as they then can try these same techniques in many different positions that also bring on an orgasm.
Handy hints for around the home
Never limit yourself to just making love in your shared bed. So much enjoyment and pleasure can be had from trying other areas around the home such as the bat tub, shower, kitchen counters, dining table, the floor, chairs and the car hood for example.
One size doesn’t fit all
Orgasms can be had in many different ways for both men and women no matter what sexual orientation you are your partner are. As long as both partners are having orgasms that is great, but sometimes one or both partners may experience difficulty.
If you are experiencing a difficult period then always talk to your Doctor or Sex Therapist.
Never overlook that performing oral sex on your partner can be stimulating and sensuous for both of you. Some people have hygiene issues with the thought of having oral sex but why not incorporate a shared bath or shower where you wash each other’s genitals before and after making love.
Always make sure that you have established guidelines and limits as the sharing of bodily fluids can be a turn off for some and a wildly satisfying part of lovemaking for others.
If two people are having safe anal sex that they enjoy then that is a great addition to their love making repertoire. The use of fingers, various sex toys as well as a penis all add their own sensations.
However, always use lube for greater comfort and to prevent pain and injury to one another. Once again make sure that you have established guidelines and limits as some people are 100% against Anal Sex and these wishes should be respected.
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Other turn on methods
There is a plethora of other turn on methods that may add extra stimulation and satisfaction to your lovemaking no matter your sexual orientation.
These include dress up’s, use of sex toys and games, Bondage, sadism and masochism, use of edible body paints, massage with sensuous oils or even introducing a third person to your lovemaking if that works for you, to name a few.
Once again make sure that you have established guidelines and limits between you and your partner.
Banish Bedroom Boredom
If the bonds between a couple are week then there doesn’t have to be a third party involved to break a relationship. Internal cause rather then external ones are the major reason for relationships imploding.
The good thing about them be internal causes is that you do have the opportunity to do something about it and that may mean that you have to take some responsibility in the process.
The list of negative causes that can affect a relationship is long but often boredom is one that is ignored. This doesn’t necessarily just mean sexual boredom, so if you are experiencing boredom in your life then dealing with it can both improve your overall relationship as well as your sex life.
How to recognize boredom
Watching TV is OK, nothing wrong with it; but the more you turn into a couch potato the more boring you become even if you watch these shows with your partner.
If you and/or your partner are addicted to watching TV then this will have an effect both on your sex life as well as your relationship. Avoid falling into a rut or giving time-related excuses that put off time with each other for other things, including love making. Make your life more interesting.
Better love making is the prize
You won’t get anything great in life without working for it, and if that is to get a fantastic sex life then that is a great reward for banishing boredom. It’s not just about trying different positions but more of a mindset change that turns sex into a more intense experience.
Problem solving time
To move forward you have to draw that proverbial line in the sand and forget all the boring aspects of life up until now. You focus has to be on the future not on the past. Finding activities that you can experience together is a great start.
To kick start change you need to apply some sense of urgency so that you keep moving forwards.
Joint activities like a sport, hobby, listening to music or walking are a great way of building on the togetherness and shared experiences side of your relationship.
They can also provide an opportunity to discuss things in an environment outside the home/bedroom.
Romance is forever
The meaning of love and that of romance are often confused they are of course quite different. Men in particular can be less attuned to romance, but put simple romance is the environment in which love exists.
If love is to emerge and then flourish it required that atmosphere that we call romance. To keep a relationship healthy, you always need to add touches of romance; and don’t let it diminish as your relationship advances through time.
A romantic moment is not likely to begin in the bedroom, even if it ends up there. It should have a gentle start that reflects its delicateness.
Dressing appropriately for the event can add to the romance side of a relationship; as can things like lighting, candles and flowers to create atmosphere.
Choosing what and how to say things is important, but a main point here is to avoid harsh words that could leave the wrong sort of lasting impression.
Body language and romantic gestures play a big role here; it’s amazing how romantic things such as holding hands or putting your arms around your partner, whether in public or private can be to adding more romance to your relationship.
Try and avoid habits that you know annoy or irritate your partner.
A breath of fresh air
Sometimes we can almost predict behaviors our partner will exhibit in certain situations; and as a result we can switch off our receptors a notch, thinking we have seen and heard things before.
It can be hard to change a routine but for romance to flourish you sometimes need to have a change or air, and place. This is where things like a romantic night, weekend or vacation can add back some of that romantic spark.
Romantic gestures don’t need to be huge; even small daily gestures like touching each other, sitting closer together on the sofa, flowers, cards or beautiful notes to each other can have huge romantic results for your relationship.
Don’t make attempts to be romantic in such a way that is forced or robotic; your partner will see right through it. Even saying “I love you” needs to have real emotion behind it.
Imagination needs to be used throughout your relationship to creating a lasting romantic atmosphere.
Foreplay is essential but so too is Afterplay
Lovemaking extends well after arousal has subsided yet the importance of Afterplay is not often discussed or appreciated. It is just as important as Foreplay; particularly to a woman as it takes them longer to get to arousal and to come back down after an orgasm.
It is at that moment her needs are to be cuddled, caressed and kissed. Therefore, if her partner has fallen asleep after orgasm a woman can feel unfulfilled. It doesn’t need to be a lengthy moment; even a few minutes can satisfy her needs and be something that comes back in her mind the next time you have sex and make her arousal even faster.
Communication is Key
None of the ideas contained here will work on giving you a fantastic sex life if communication is less than needed. There needs to be mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings between partners on a regular basis.
Baring it all
We can take off all our clothes in front of each other to have sex with our partners yet not every couple can bare their innermost thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.
While we can be intimate on a physical level we can be lacking when it comes to verbalizing what we do physically to one another.
Another source of communication where the topic can be suppressed, yet it is something that must be disclosed with any sexually transmitted disease; particularly with HIV-AIDS.
You must never withhold the state of your health through fear of rejection. However, one issue here is that people are uncomfortable with raising and discussing the topic yet it needs to happen.
The importance of Listening
Listening to the words of a conversation are just one part of the communication process. It can be just as important to take into account other factors such as non-verbal cues such as body language, as well as the tone in which words are delivered and that each party is getting an equal share of the conversation.
In particular, if you are going to discuss your sex life then you need to make sure that your partner is in the right mood state. Learn to read your partner’s moods.
Remember that when you table a discussion topic at that initial stage it is purely a personal opinion.
There needs to be time for your partner to digest, contemplate and respond to what they are listening to before you have agreed as a couple on that topic.
If your partner responds negatively straight away then put that idea on hold for another time. The last things you want is for your partner to feel hemmed in, controlled or bullied.
Sex is a sensitive subject and people usually need their own time to ponder and reflect. They will respond only at that point. Never push for an answer while they are still in reflection mode.
Noises during sex are normal
We see a lot of very noisy sex scenes in films and porn video clips. The reality is that making noises can be an important part of sex as they are a way of communicating personal enjoyment.
It is not for everyone; some people simply cannot enjoy sex and make noises as they can lose concentration and also the ability to orgasm.
However, by all means make noise if that works for you as a way of conveying your sexual enjoyment. Look for ways to convey positive feelings to your partner.
You can tell your partner you love them through things such as a caress, cuddle, hug, kiss or gentle rub of their arm or shoulder.
It passes on a message about your feelings towards them even when you may not necessarily be in the mood for them yourself.
Touch is such a vital and important behavior and it is necessary to do this through the day rather than just when having sex. If your partner makes an effort to bring you closer together it is your job to encourage that in a positive way.
Planning for Change
We all age and as we do then our sex life changes too and it pays to arm yourself with education on the likely changes. A relationship doesn’t need to suffer if you have the knowledge and skills to deal with the changes.
The birth of children can create a major change to your sex life; not just during the pregnancy but also through infancy and into young adulthood.
This is often caused by tiredness and the fear of being heard or seen by children as they get older. Another factor here can be the impact on a relationship and your sex life after your children grow up and move away from home. This is an area that needs to be part of your discussion long before your children leave home.
It is common for women to secrete less vaginal lubricant when aroused after menopause and this can cause very painful sex for her. There is an easy solution; you need to use an artificial lubricant.
The end of menstrual periods can also bring more magic to your sex life given you can have sex more often without the consequences of pregnancy.
Men too have issues regarding erections where there is a change from when younger and getting an erection instantly, often without any physical stimulation was commonplace.
Each man is different, but the will be a stage when this no longer happens. He will still have erections but may need stimulation through things such as the use of lubricant or use of a sex toy.
This condition is known as pre-erectile dysfunction. At this stage of life it can be the sign of circulation problems so always discuss this with your Doctor.
I have already outlined what pre-erectile dysfunction is, however for some men they completely lose having erections when this progresses to erectile dysfunction.
It can be caused bi circulation issues. Once again this is a condition you should consult your Doctor to discuss and look at treatment options.
Other Health Issues
An increasing number of health issues can arise as we age. Some of these conditions can impact on your sex life. The only way to deal with this is to consult with your Doctor and a good idea is to write down a list of your issues/discussion points, including physical, emotional and even through fear or self-esteem before that appointment.
The Art of Masturbation
While this guide is aimed at couples, masturbation has a place in your relationship but it has to be used in a way that doesn’t abuse its benefits.
Wants, Needs & Desires
It is nearly impossible to get two people with the same desire and frequency for sex. As a way of getting one partner’s needs met, they often resort to masturbation; and there is nothing wrong with that. What is a problem though is where one partner resorts to masturbation in preference to having sex with their partner.
There is nothing wrong with one partner offering sexual stimulation to their partner without reaching an orgasm themselves no matter the sexual orientation of the couple. Use your fingers, lips, tongue or even a sex toy to pleasure your partner. This is a shared experience so some tenderness like hugging or kissing is most welcome.
As a couple you need to discuss the place that masturbation has in your relationship and sex life. If you have agreed on it’s place together then you need your partner to have freedom to masturbate according to satisfying their wants and needs. If you experience some initial jealousy then one technique to feel included is for you to operate a sex toy; but don’t make this a fulltime technique.
Sometimes privacy is needed; either by the person masturbating or by the other partner who is uncomfortable watching their partner masturbating.
Don’t show off if it makes your partner uncomfortable including if you are masturbating in bed and the motion is keeping your partner awake.
Likewise, if your partner is masturbating somewhere private don’t go searching to find out how they are doing it or if they are using sex toys for example. It is healthier to make the assumption that your partner is masturbating so that they don’t damage your shared sex life.
Masturbation can be abused
Put simply, some people masturbate too often. Where one partner masturbates rather than having sex with their partner can then leave them sexually frustrated. This is a problem that couples need to address between them.
Porn & Cybersex
Irrespective of your sexual orientation the prevalence of online porn and cybersex in particular can result in an unhealthy balance between a couple having a healthy sex life and one partner overusing masturbation as their sex life of choice.
I have deliberated been inclusive of sexual orientation here due to the high use of porn and cybersex in same sex relationships. This trend can cause irrevocable damage to your relationship and sex life and is best addressed with discussing this with your doctor.